I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
