Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize