Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
