Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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