Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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