i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
