just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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