Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
