oh god the rape fog is back!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
