her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
