It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
