I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
