Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
