Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
God I need to hump something, right now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
