just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
