I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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