Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
