Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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