I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
