i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
