I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
