I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
