JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
