Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Randomize
