I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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