Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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