when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize