this boner is exhausting
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
