you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
