The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I have post one night stand depression
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