When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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