were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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