**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
