I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
