you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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