I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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