Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
