You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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