What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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