I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
