***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
