I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize