i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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