I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
