And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
