I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
