Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
