dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
