I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
