i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
