I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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