Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
