You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
True strength comes from lack of pants
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
