Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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