Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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