it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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