Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
