awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
