The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
