I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
